Ashley MacIssac: Canadian
“Sleepy Maggie“; ‘Hi, How Are You Today?’ (1996)
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Ten Essential Facts Aboot Canada:
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01) Hockey — Part One: We play Hockey. When we’re not playing Hockey it’s summer, that’s when we watch the Canadian Football League (CFL). The CFL is different from the American NFL in that the CFL is fast, end zone celebrations are encouraged, a 3000 yard season will make you a backup QB, the only 300lb men are in the stands, there are three downs to make 10 yards, the field is 10 yards longer and 10 yards wider, and it’s just so much more fun to watch. The CFL’s trophy is the Grey Cup and it has been around since 1909. It’s not Hockey, but it’s close.
02) It’s Not The Length… It’s The Width: Canada is bigger than your country… unless you’re Russian. Jeezus Keerighst Russia is huge. Canada: 9.97 million sq km; European Union: 3.97 million sq km; America: 5.69 million sq km. Canada’s seventh largest province, Newfoundland, is almost twice the size of the United Kingdom. The UK’s population is around 66 million… Newfoundland’s population is aboot 500 thousand… each one of whom will adopt you as soon as your plane touches down. Canada’s population is 33 million. We’ve got a lot of room here.
03) Got Oil?: We have nearly as much oil as Saudi Arabia, and we supply the United States with the majority of their imported oil. Really. Fuck Chavez and his OPEC buddies. Just don’t tell anyone.
04) Hockey — Part Two: We play a lot of Hockey. The highest achievment in Hockey is winning the Stanley Cup (since 1893). A team must win four of seven games in four seven game series played over five weeks. Then they fill the Stanley Cup with beer and drink from The Stanley Cup. Both major Canadian trophies are giant steel Cups. This is no coincidence.
05) Beavertails, Toques, Pot, Health Care & Greenpeace: We wear toques; we eat Beaver Tails; in the Spring we eat liquid sugar that comes from trees and live on the buzz until next year; our winters are usually insanely cold, but thanks to Europe and America… and us, they’re getting warmer — we started this whole Climate Change Conference Stuff, but now we’re unofficially out of Kyoto… which is okay because so is everyone else; our weed is plentiful and basically legal in small amounts… like less than a pound (I’m surprised more NBA and NFL players don’t live here in the off season); gay marriage and gay divorce? Check and check; the largest Gay Pride Parade in the whole entire world; abortion is so freaking legal here it’s retroactive — don’t like the way your teenage kid turned out? Zzzzaap; free and full health care coverage: Heart Transplant? Free. Lung Cancer? Free. Brain Surgery? Free. Your Friend Smacked A Shovel Upside Your Head? Free. Sea Shepherds and Greenpeace? Canadian. What else… oh yeah, the best fucking weed on the planet. My friend grows it next to his potatoes in his backyard. He smokes aboot three grams a fucking day… the guy cannot remember where he parked his house.
06) We Like To Lend A Hand: After the Hurricane Katrina Disaster the first Search & Rescue team into Louisiana’s St. Bernard Parish was Canadian. The ‘Vancouver Urban Search and Rescue Team’ from Vancouver, British Columbia got there two days after Katrina hit.
07) Our Origins Are Cloaked In Mystery Confusion: The Dominion Of Canada was created in 1867, Newfoundland joined up in 1949. We got our own flag in 1967, and our own Constitution and Charter Of Rights And Freedoms in 1982. The Canadian Province of Quebec, with a population of 7 million, has yet to sign the constitution. It’s all very weird. But not as weird as this (follow along if you can):
Canada was founded 350 years ago by the French and their Native allies; who were then defeated 200 years later by the British and their Native allies; who were then joined by British-American refugees who had just lost the American Revolution to a bunch of… well, Americans and their French allies; the British-American refugees then allied with the British-Canadians and their Native allies who in turn joined up with the French-Canadians and their Native allies and together they beat the shit out of the Newly Armed & Famous Americans during the War Of 1812. Or, as we sometimes refer to it, “That Week We Burned The White House To The Ground” or “TWWBTWHTTG Day”.
After that was done all of the territories in Canada thought it’d be a good idea to permanently team up, and so Canada was borne. See? Easy.
08 ) Hockey — Part Three: Everything you’ve ever heard aboot Canada and Hockey is not even close to how much we play and watch Hockey.
09) Hockey — Part Four: Really. This is from 1997. The Detroit Red Wings vs. Colorado Avalanche. It’s the first time beloved Red Wing Hero, Kris Draper — who was devastatingly wounded the previous year by The Dastardly Avalanche Bastard, Claude Lemiuex — will face the person who nearly crippled his career. It was an ugly and bloody grudge match, and one of the most exciting Hockey games I’ve ever seen.
10) We’ve Saved Europe Twice: Canada sent a lot of soldiers to defend The Motherlands of France and England in both WWOne and WWTwo, and were in both from the beginning. We were also in the Korean War, we skipped Vietnam but close to 30,000 Canadians went South and joined up with the American military. In return we got a shit load of American hippies. We skipped out on Granada and The Falklands as well… we were busy that month.
We also had nothing to do with the Iran Hostage Crisis and none of those fucking 9-11 hijackers had anything to do with Canada… so do everyone a favour and please kill the urban myth bullshit.
Canada also invented Peacekeeping and wrote the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for the UN. NATO… yeah, we were a founding nation. We have a couple thousand soldiers doing something good right now in Afghanistan. We were there in Gulf War One, but politely declined for the Sequel… oh yeah, we did some crazy-heroic shit in Bosnia as well. We were in Somalia, but that was a fucking disaster… Special Forces are not traffic cops. I think that’s aboot it… oh yeah, my pater-grandfather served on The Hood, my mater-grandfather was a fighter pilot, his youngest brother flew bombers over Germany, and his oldest brother was a full-on beginning-to-end member of The Devils Brigade. Fuck yeah.
Bonus Track — 1972, Canada vs. Soviet Union: This is one of Canada’s non-military defining moments and it was all aboot Hockey. Game 8. 1972. Canada v. The Soviet Union: Henderson Scores Baby. Today the boys move up to 20mph, the vulcanized rubber puck is aboot the size of a fist and can move up to 100mph… honest-to-your-higher-being, how can anyone sit and watch soccer or baseball… and what the fuck is Cricket all aboot? A game where nothing happens over several days and the fans are a mile away from… what do they call that? Home plate? The Sticks Area? There’s got to be some kind of connection between Europe’s love of non-contact, prancing sports and their inclination for starting global warfare… I’m sure of it.
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26 responses so far ↓
Queen Minx // January 27, 2007 at 7:08 am
Right.
That’s it.
I have a passport, and I am coming to Canada.
I will get off the plane, smoke weed, eat sugary sap, watch hockey and wear a lilac toque. I don’t give a flying fook which order I do these things in, I will try very hard to do them all at the same time.
I may have to think very carefully about eating beaver. Over here, that can be construed as something to satisfy a completely different appetite, other than the one your stomach cries out for.
Watch out Canada. The Brits are coming.
erm … again.
I have a sneaking suspicion that Gabriel works for the Canadian Tourist Board because, dang it, you make Canada sound so fucking good!!
yum ! yum !
xx
puddlejumper // January 27, 2007 at 3:21 pm
I saw this and thought of you…
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/01/26/fox_to_canada_contro.html
Could give you a list to get for me if you’ve got a minute. I’ll swap you for Irn Bru or teenage girls dresses or something. Sure you can think of something…
Kimberly // January 28, 2007 at 10:06 am
Beaver means that here too, Queen Minx. Actually, so does tail. Featherseeds forgot to mention that Canadians are also sex fiends. Comes from the cold climate.
(And Beaver Tails are deep fried sugar overed in more sugar and chocolate sauce, in case you were wondering.)
feartheseeds // January 28, 2007 at 11:14 am
I get the distinct impression from the way Queen is so quick to talk about beaver all the time that the Brits are coming over and over and over and over again then two more times in the kitchen while they make the “afterwards tea”.
And, yes, Canada’s cold climate will make you come inside over and over and over and over and over and over again as well, and four more times in front of the big plate-glass window in the livingroom so everyone on the street can watch… ahem.
Queen Minx // January 28, 2007 at 3:19 pm
kimberley: ‘Featherseeds forgot to mention that Canadians are also sex fiends.’
me: Whoo hoo!! Now where’s my friggin’ passport … I am definitely ‘coming’ over and over and over and over and …. sod the tea … I want Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper! FTS promised.
wink!
xx
feartheseeds // January 28, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Queen, I’ll be glad to send you the Google Earth Coordinates for my little village… btw: we have to get your email address changed. People will start to talk soon… “oh, that Fear, he’s got soooo many personalities and apparently one of them wears a hat.”
Queen Minx // January 28, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Whaddya mean??!!
I AM you … you created us/me/you. Stop confusing us/me/you because I/we/you will get all upset!
This one is your British personality remember?? Everyone knows you have a secret desire to be English, and wear a top-hat instead of a toque so …. ta daaa!! Queen Minx was born!
See how much you love me/you/us … you leave yourself kisses …
xx
feartheseeds // January 28, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Oh dear God… it’s/I’m out of control. Giant. Holes. Open. Ing. In. Timeand. Space. Continuum. Can’t. Stop. Shatner. Talking. Help…
Queen Minx // January 28, 2007 at 6:25 pm
No .. no .. no … you’re English now .. what you/we/us need, is a tardis!
Tsk!
Shatner! Good grief!
x
absolut.folly // May 6, 2007 at 12:46 pm
You forgot to tell them aboot how all of yous took such well care of the little First Nation kids that would’ve grown up savages if your Government hadn’t relocated them into nice christian homes.
absolut.folly // May 6, 2007 at 12:47 pm
and on a lighter note; you should tell them about the Flinflon pot mine. The name alone makes Canada one of the most adorable nations in the world.
feartheseeds // May 6, 2007 at 1:41 pm
I’m getting to the Canadian/British/French treatment of the First Nations in Canada, but it’s something I’ve mentioned in shortform in a few posts, it might be interesting to tie it into the irrational behaviour Europeans have had, and continue to have, towards Native Peoples around the world… maybe I’l add something aboot the European treatment of the Sami or Laplander peoples.
Flin Flon… I’m not even sure if the Pot Mine is open anymore… I’ll find out and let you know. It would make an interesting post.
Thanks for the “aboot“. I’m glad you’re back.
absolut.folly // May 6, 2007 at 3:10 pm
hmm. defensive. poked a sore spot with my stick, did I?
nice try with the Sami reference (impressive actually)! by all means, mount the barricade, but just make sure while you’re up there to air your own dirty laundry along with every body elses.
You know I love Canada more than most Canadians, and I’m not saying anyone else is any better. I just thought the list needed a bit of balance (street cred, you know).
Delighted to be back.
absolut.folly // May 6, 2007 at 3:32 pm
actually, I think my inherent motive was location envy; you made it sound so great, which it is. man I miss Canada.
feartheseeds // May 6, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Then you should come back. Like maybe this summer. There are very few barricades in this blog and lots of Canadian dirty laundry in here for you to find, I’ll email you some of the links… after you’ve sent Part Two. The problem is I only have one person on staff and this blog has only been operating for six weeks so I haven’t hit all the topics I want to yet. Time. There are some really interesting things happening in the First Nations culture in Canada that I’ll get to soon.
absolut.folly // May 7, 2007 at 12:24 pm
argh. I was only trying to be witty, and now you are being apologetic (albeit in a slightly sarcastic tone of voice) about not having the entire Historical and Sociological Introduction to Canada up and posted. Canadians - always so considerate.
retreating to write Part Two before I make even more of a mess.
ps. wanna trade some dirty laundry? Guess who we called for help when the Russians were coming? Well, actually we called pretty much every body, but guess who offered to help. Thats right, Germany. Which was wonderful until we realised what they were up to in their own back yard. Had to talk our selves out of that alliance in an awful hurry. Talk about a Rock and a Hard Place.
Tim // May 21, 2007 at 5:30 pm
more brits are comin thanks for tellin me about the TWWBTWHTTG Day its great and how much weed can you have for personal use 1 lbthats a shit load for that you gotta got dutch man
feartheseeds // May 21, 2007 at 7:26 pm
“Happy TWWBTWHTTG Day” actually makes a nice T-Shirt.
I’m not sure aboot the actual “personal usage” amounts right now, my friend “the weed activist” tells me there’s some kind of crackdown, but he’s stoned, like, 90 percent of the year, so I’m not sure if he can read anymore.
suburbanlife // August 15, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Great post FTS! Makes me think of another thing we Canucks are known for - a sense of humour abd being a crucible for breeding comedians, of whom you are one. G
Gabriel... // August 16, 2007 at 1:04 am
Thanks very much. I’ve been forgetting The Humour lately… CSN:AFU has been starting to get waaaay too serious.
The Canuck-Humour thing is something I keep meaning to post aboot… with Seth Rogen (Knocked Up, 40-Year Old Virgin) and Michael Cera’s career taking off (Superbad, Arrested Development) it kind of makes sense to write aboot this next generation.
Thanks for coming by… hey, did you know we both started blogging pretty much the same week? That’s actually pretty cool…
Priyank // August 16, 2007 at 9:23 am
hey!… you should have got a trackback from my website automatically from this post. I dont know why it didnt work
Gabriel... // August 16, 2007 at 11:40 am
I don’t know why the trackback didn’t pop up, I did see the post, it’s very perceptive… and I’m always interested in how newbies see Canada. I’ve got your website open right now, and I plan on responding on your page later on. Thanks for using me as a source.
suburbanlife // August 16, 2007 at 12:35 pm
Gabriel - weird synchronicity in our blogging starting the same week - it must be because my name is the feminine version of yours. Our stars msut have aligned somehow. Were you by any chance born in October? (Not that I believe in any of that Horoscope hocus-pocus…
!) G
Gabriel... // August 17, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Freaky. We started blogging together and we’ve got the same name? That really is weird… I was born in February. I’m not a horoscope person either, but I love coincidences.
CSN:AFU Week 27 In Review « …cultural snafu. // August 19, 2007 at 1:46 am
[...] The First Ten Things You Need To Know Aboot Canada 2) CSN:AFU Week 26 In Review 3) Greatest Hits: Canadian Inventions [...]
Games // February 10, 2008 at 5:26 am
congratulations, you just reinforced the canada/hockey sterotype, lol.
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